I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
