how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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