Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
