I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
