Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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