he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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