What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
