I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
