You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
