Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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