Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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