that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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