Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
