The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
