my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
