When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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