Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
