One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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