the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
