I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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