I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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