We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
