I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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