I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
