she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize