I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
