Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
COCAINE IS GR8
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