Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Randomize
