So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
