I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Four minutes until I can fart!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We have started to decorate penises.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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