if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
