he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
