just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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