Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
