Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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