Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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