thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize