I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
