nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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