Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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