mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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