She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
