I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
