Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
