Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
