If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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