At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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