my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize