sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
