what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want her autograph on my taint
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
