Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
