My sheets look like a crime scene.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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