don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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