So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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