P.S. I can't hear my feet
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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