thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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