Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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