but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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