Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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