So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wear drunk well.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
