You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize