a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
