you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
