If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Your dad touched me again.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
