Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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