When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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