Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
